Tag: writing

Pride!: C.’s Story

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When I was 30, I came out to my parents via Facebook Messenger. Not my finest moment, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. In my defense, my track record for coming out is pretty abysmal.

The first time I ever came out, I didn’t even realise I was doing it. I grew up in a very conservative town, went to youth group on Fridays and church on Sundays. The chaplain at my all-girls school regularly told us we were going to hell for some reason or other. Being queer simply wasn’t an option. But, there were signs. Like, developing instant, deep and intense “friendship” feelings for the first cool girl to pay you a lick of attention, and then lovebomb her with handwritten letters and super platonic mixtapes full of Death Cab for Cutie and Maps by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. Yeah. Subtle. I also spent a lot of time lamenting the fact that I couldn’t go to the boy’s school because “their music program was better,” and backing that up by taking any chance I could to steal my brother’s uniform. For drama class. Or a costume party. Or, you know, just because.

It took me a few more years to identify what was going on there; I grew almost naturally into my understanding of self, and my little neurodivergent brain thought everyone else felt this way too. Shout out to Tumblr for the confirmation bias, turns out that everyone DOES just want to kiss pretty girls and wear dapper suits and experience the deeply intense yearning that comes from being in love with your best friend! Bolstered by this echo chamber of acceptance, I slowly became more open about my identity: subtly dropping easter eggs into sober conversations, and then aggressively shoehorning my horny gay ramblings into unrelated conversations while drunk. As a millennial bisexual in a straight-passing relationship, I was deeply uncomfortable with being perceived as heterosexual. It was like walking around with a rock in my shoe.

It wasn’t until nearly a decade later, after putting a hemisphere of distance between myself and my hometown, that I actually had the space to sit down, take a breath, and take off my shoe. When I shook it out, I was left with a pile of gravel. I began to realise that I was deeply uncomfortable with being perceived as a woman. When I told my spouse that I wasn’t a girl, in what was essentially a very dramatic, queer rendition of “would you still love me if I was a worm”, he said “I love you for who you are” and wiped my snot off his shoulder. What a guy. When I told my best friends, they were mostly relieved I wasn’t calling to say I was pregnant. I put my pronouns in my work email and that was that. I’ve only ever existed as myself in Vancouver. And then my parents came to visit.

We’d been settled here for almost a year, and I was still sifting through the gravel, but I decided that I couldn’t let my parents go back to Australia thinking how nice it was to see their daughter. I wanted to be open and honest about my identity and allow them to know the real me for the first time in my life. Put the ball in their court, so to speak. And we dropped plenty of hints, or so I thought. I mean, there was significantly more body hair and gender neutral language in our house than they’d come to expect.

I spent many sleepless nights planning my grand coming-out speech. I told myself I was waiting for the right moment. I’d know it when it came. And a couple did come, but I couldn’t do it. While they were visiting family in Quebec, my spouse and I ran various plays during dinner, considering all the angles and possible outcomes. My parents came back, we spent more time together, more moments came and went. And then all of a sudden, they were leaving.

As we drove down Granville Street, I tried to will the panic away while my knees bounced and my heart pounded in the front seat. At the drop-off area, we hopped out to help with their suitcases. They said I love you. I said I hope you can see how happy I am here. Then we got back in the car, drove around the corner, and I had a very dignified little breakdown.

Which brings us to the Facebook message, meticulously crafted with the help of a stiff gin and sent an hour before they were due to board a 16-hour flight. So, a little less ball in their court, a little more lobbing a grenade into their heteronormative worldview, and then forcing them to sit with it in a metal tube with no wifi for half a day. On reflection, I probably should’ve waited. I wanted them to know, but I wasn’t ready to talk about it.

Mum replied a little while later. She said they were surprised and confused, that they loved me, and they needed time to understand. A few days later, mum emailed with some reasonable questions which I tied myself in knots trying to answer. How could I put into words for others what I’d spent the better part of a year trying to explain to myself? I typed out some stream of consciousness, accompanied by some resources and recommended reading, hoping that they’d magically understand everything, or be willing to do the work. But in the moment, my mum’s response of “well, I was a tomboy in high school too” felt less like connection and more like dismissal. So I didn’t reply. And we haven’t really addressed it since. That was two years ago.

In those two years, I’ve never heard them use my pronouns. My dad still hasn’t acknowledged my identity at all. Not once. And it’s not like we haven’t spoken in that time. I’ve been back to Australia, we’ve seen each other in person. I’m writing my Masters thesis on nonbinary children’s literature. It’s not a secret. But, we don’t talk about it. They still refer to me as their daughter. For two years, we’ve been dancing around this big genderless elephant in the room. And I’m tired of dancing.

What they don’t know is that over the past two years, I’ve only become more certain of my identity. I’ve only become more proud, more loud, more outspoken. I spend each day trying to be who I needed to see back when I was 13 and didn’t have the words to explain myself, and I’ve seen the impact that my overt queerness has on others. I know who I am, and I love who I am. But, it’s also really hard. I’ve spent so long reshaping my own worldview that the thought of having to do that work all over again, for people who I know love a version of me, but I can’t guarantee love this version of me, it’s exhausting.

But I know that if I want to be seen, I have to let them see me. I’ve done enough therapy over the past two years to know that this is, unfortunately, the only way. So I think I’m gonna have to come out to my family again. Or maybe I’ll just send them this story. Maybe then they’ll see me, and maybe they could be as proud of me as I am.

Pride!: Bryce’s Story

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Growing up gay in a small town is like learning to whisper when all you want to do is sing. You get really good at editing yourself; at shrinking. I grew up in a town of 5,000 people, where most people knew each other, or at least thought they did. You learn quickly how to blend in, when the cost of standing out is being left out entirely. And so, I did what a lot of queer kids do: I said I wasn’t. I hid.

I knew I was different early on, but I didn’t have the language for it, or the confidence to claim it. In a place like that, being gay wasn’t something you admitted. It was something you denied, or joked about, before anyone else could weaponize it. I learned how to pass. How to act. How to keep one part of myself tucked away so well that sometimes even I forgot where I put it.

Then I met someone who had hidden just as well as I had. Someone from an even smaller town—500 people, if you can believe it! I used to joke that if I had it bad, he had it worse. But the truth is, we had something in common: we both grew up thinking we had to be less to be loved.

At first, being together was like finding a mirror. Not just in the obvious way—both of us boys, both of us figuring it out—but in how deeply we understood the effort it took to make ourselves palatable to the world. We didn’t just fall in love; we fell into safety. Into understanding. Into survival.

But we also fell into habits that mirrored our upbringing. We stayed quiet. We didn’t talk about our relationship in certain spaces. And even though our families knew we were gay, and knew we were together, we kept things toned down. We didn’t call each other “boyfriend” around them. We didn’t show affection. To them, I think we were just… neutral. Not hiding, exactly, but not fully seen either. We weren’t straight, but somehow, we still managed to look it.

For a long time, we didn’t feel like Pride was for us. It felt like something other people did: louder people, braver people. People who had figured it out. People with less to lose. It wasn’t shame, exactly. It was just… caution.

Then in 2019, we finally went to our first Pride event. Not in Canada. Not even in North America. It was in Manchester, England. And to be honest, one of the biggest reasons we went was because Ariana Grande was headlining the closing show. We had already seen her in April that same year… but Ariana at Pride? That felt like something different. It felt iconic. It felt like a good enough excuse to finally show up.
We booked the trip half for her, and half, I think, for ourselves, though we wouldn’t have admitted that then.

I remember walking down the street and hearing the music before we even saw the crowd. There were rainbow flags everywhere. Drag queens, couples holding hands, kids in rainbow tutus, protestors with signs, allies cheering. It was colourful and chaotic, and so beautifully alive. It was everything we weren’t used to. Everything we had quietly denied ourselves.

And for the first time, we didn’t feel like we were borrowing space. We felt seen. Not just tolerated. Not just allowed. Seen.

It was overwhelming, in the best way. We danced. We laughed. We kissed, even. Right there in the street, surrounded by strangers who clapped and cheered, and kept on dancing. I had never felt more free; or more aware of just how tightly I’d been holding myself.

That was the year Pride stopped being a word and became a feeling.

Since then, we’ve been to more Pride events, but not dozens. Just a few that mattered. Vancouver Pride has become a bit of a tradition for us. And this year, we went to Winnipeg Pride with the biggest group of gays I think I’ve ever travelled with. It was loud, joyful, chaotic, in the best way. A complete contrast to how we first learned to be gay: quietly, cautiously, carefully.

Every time, we let go a little more. Not just in public, but with ourselves. We let ourselves be soft. We let ourselves be loud. We remind ourselves that we don’t have to earn our space. We just get to be.

And here’s the thing: it’s not always perfect. Sometimes Pride is corporate. Sometimes it’s messy. Sometimes, it doesn’t represent everyone the way it should. But at its core, when you strip away the noise and the politics, Pride is about the right to exist fully. Without apology. Without compromise.

It’s a reminder that joy is resistance. That celebration is healing. That there is room for every kind of queer story, even the quiet ones. Even the ones like mine.

Because the truth is, I don’t have a dramatic coming out story. I didn’t run away. I didn’t get kicked out. I didn’t have to fight tooth and nail for acceptance. But I did fight. Quietly. Internally. For years, I fought for the right to be honest about who I am. I fought to believe that I didn’t have to shrink to be loved.

And that’s what Pride gave me. It gave me back the parts of myself I thought I had to hide. It showed me that visibility isn’t just about being seen by others. It’s about being seen by yourself.

So now, twelve years later, I get to stand next to the same man I met when we were both still scared. We’ve grown together. We’ve healed together. We’ve learned that the world is big enough for love like ours, and that we don’t have to water it down.

We still hold hands in some places, and not others. We still measure our surroundings before we kiss in public. The world isn’t perfect. But we are no longer pretending we’re something we’re not. And that matters.

Pride, to me, means hope.
Hope that someone else growing up in a small town—someone who’s hiding, someone who’s scared—can see people like us and feel just a little less alone.
Hope that the next generation won’t have to learn how to whisper.
Hope that one day, we won’t just be accepted—we’ll be celebrated.
Not because we’re exceptional, or brave, or resilient. But because we’re here.
And that’s enough.

Pride!: Evan’s Story

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When I came out almost 10 years ago, I could never have anticipated the journey that would lead me to my life partner. Let alone expect to be someone’s husband, for the past 30 days. As I stand here today, I am grateful for every minute of it, even the hard parts. I’m thrilled to say that the most wonderful man, to quote Beyonce, put a ring on it. Technically, we both did… Happy endings aren’t just for bathhouses. I’d like to take a few minutes to tell you about our recent wedding and elopement.
Our relationship, while, of course not perfect, has been relatively smooth when it comes to planning things: since I like doing all general planning things and Parm is extremely detail-orientated. I ride the hot-mess ADHD express and lose my dopamine rush when it comes to the more precise points. It’s truly a great match to have planning a vacation, moving apartments, redecorating, but when planning a wedding it can be a blessing and a curse.

Parm and I got engaged December 2023 and since we’re both planners we wanted to have a long engagement to make sure we had adequate time to plan things out. A quick backstory on how we got engaged. I decided to surprise him on our anniversary, since Parm hates surprises. It was the one way I could ensure he wouldn’t be suspicious I was planning something. I had tried, and failed, to surprise Parm a few times. I thought It would be a good idea to take him to high tea, after he was at the gym in street clothes, and was underfed from a leg day.  For the proposal, I tried to keep the destination a secret. But who would have thought he would’ve figured out I was taking him to Circle Wellness on Granville Island of all places. On the walk to where I had arranged his friends to meet us, Parm launched into a diatribe about why I shouldn’t try and surprise him anymore. Mainly since he wanted to know the plan to be mentally prepared and be properly dressed for the occasion. All I could think of in the back of my mind was, oh boy, you’re in for one major surprise in 5 minutes…

Going back to wedding planning, one of the greatest strengths I’ve learned since coming out is that there isn’t a “right” or “normal” way to be queer. So many social norms and expectations are shed when we come out and start living as our queer, authentic selves; especially when you enter a relationship. In gay relationships, nothing is assumed. You must clearly and openly communicate your roles, your responsibilities, and expectations. When Parm and I moved in together, we had to discuss how laundry, cooking, cleaning worked.
When we were planning our formal wedding, we had to figure out how walking down the aisle would work. If we wanted to include gendered cultural wedding traditions, how that would work. Being able to define all these things on our terms was (and is) a powerful thing, and I hope the same intentionality and partnership starts to show up more in hetero relationships. Be open and communicate what works for you as an individual and as a couple, and don’t just assume your role based on gender. We initially had a the “big white wedding” planned. Well, maybe not big, since we had capped it at 80 people. And maybe not all that white, since Parm has a big Indian family.

We were excited for our formal wedding here in Vancouver and placed the deposit for our dream venue, but as the time started coming closer to actually need to put pen to paper, we just weren’t excited at the idea. It just seemed like work and didn’t really feel like us. We toyed with the idea of eloping, at first here in BC, by doing a helicopter wedding to ensure none of our family could sneak in. But we had already planned on doing a honeymoon… before our wedding I may add, in the Faroe Islands and Mallorca. Why were we going to the Faroe Islands? Parm had seen it and wanted to explore it for it’s beauty. I wanted to go because there was a sweater shop I wanted to go to. Parm had an excellent idea to have our elopement in the Faroe Islands since the nature is beautiful and dramatic.

We cancelled our Vancouver wedding and instead carried out our plan to do our wedding there. And it was the best decision that we could’ve made. But first we had to make it legal and literally got married in slippers and bathrobes here in the West End. We forgot to give our officiant a heads-up, so she was a little surprised. It was unapologetically us. We love to travel, we love going to random places, we love hiking and nature, and we love doing things differently. We spent the whole day exploring the country with a local photographer, who proclaimed that five tourists at a site was “busy”.  We think he would have an aneurysm seeing the steam clock crowds in summer…
We did everything that we loved. We explored a small picturesque town with colourful houses. Went to a waterfall and scaled the rocks in dress shoes. Did our vows in the rain. Got, possibly a top-10 burger, at a gas station. And ended the day doing a hike in our tuxes to see one of the most beautiful parts of the Faroe Islands, Traepania, Where there is a lake above the ocean, backdropped by sheer cliffs. We were tired, muddy, and had our wedding night back at the hotel, lying in bed with pizza. In short, we wouldn’t have done things any different, and it was a perfect wedding day.

I’m just so happy that Parm is the person I got to marry. The full story of how we came together is a story for a different day, but I initially tried to push him away.  I had come out of quite a toxic relationship and wasn’t ready to date. He actually went on a few dates with my ex and pieced it together by the missing furniture in our respective apartments. Needless to say, he learned that I wasn’t the crazy ex.
In spite of all of the emotional push and pull (and the occasional self sabotage, of course) Parm stuck by my side. He gave me endless patience, a safe space to be irrational if I was spiralling while trying to process my trauma, and showed me that not everyone is out to get me. That I could feel safe enough to trust someone again.
I’m looking forward to building a life together and this next chapter is just the beginning. I’m just excited to be writing this one together as husband and husband.

Pride!: Gerardo’s Story

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I was 15
when I came out of the closet…
and ended up on the street.

No applause.
No rainbow confetti.
No RuPaul track playing in the background like a fabulous gay fairy tale.

Just me,
a garbage bag of clothes,
a slammed door,
and a silence that hummed like heartbreak.

That was my welcome to being gay.

I was raised Catholic.
Not “Christmas and Easter” Catholic,
I mean full-blown confess-your-thoughts-about-Ricky-Martin Catholic.
Church every Sunday.
Rosaries.
Guilt… lots of it.

They told me to love God…
but not like men.

So I prayed. Hard.
To be “normal.”
To wake up with a sudden interest in boobs and dirt bikes.

I prayed so much,
I could do the Hail Mary in under 10 seconds,
blindfolded, while crying, and brushing my teeth.

But when I finally said the words,
“I’m gay,”
those prayers didn’t soften anything.

No angels showed up.
Only a mother with heartbreak in her eyes
and a “pack your things” on her lips.So I did.

Here’s the twist though:
I used to play football.
Yeah… cleats, tackles, full-on jock life.
And so did my first boyfriend.

We were teammates…
and then roommates.
And then, well,
boyfriends with shared trauma and a twin mattress.

When both our parents kicked us out,
we moved in together.
Two 15-year-old boys,
figuring out rent, ramen,
and how to hide tears in public bathrooms.

I lied about where we were living.
Said I was “staying with friends.”
Showed up to school like everything was fine.
Even when I was starving.
Even when everything hurt.

And that…
was my first taste of Pride.

Not the parade.
Not the glitter.
Not the glam.
But the quiet, stubborn kind.
The “I’m still here” kind.
The “watch me survive” kind.

In school, I got bullied.
They whispered “faggot” like it was a spell meant to vanish me.
And for a while… I did disappear.
Into myself.

Until one day,
I cracked. I got loud.
Got mean.
Got funny.
And accidentally became… a bully.

Because if I made you the punchline,
then I couldn’t be one.

And honestly?
Therapist says: iconic trauma, villain era.

But broken kids wear armour however they can.

In my 20s, I was a mess with Internet.
(Yeah, that one with the horrible phone sound.)
Terrible jobs…
Worse taste in men…
A strict diet of frozen pizza, mezcal shots, and red flags.

But I kept going.
Finished two degrees.
Opened my own little restaurant.
Not Michelin-starred…
but hey, the health inspector only gave us one warning. (Just kidding. Kind of.)

Safe.
Stable.
Mine.

Then one day…
a message.

From her.
My mom.

“I miss you. Can we talk?”

So we did.
We cried.
We screamed (in Spanish… very healing).
We listened.

She apologized.
I told her I was still hurt.
But we tried.

Slowly,
we learned each other again.
Found love in the wreckage.

And now?
Now I’ve got something 15-year-old me never dreamed of…
I’m married.
To a man who makes me laugh,
makes me coffee,
and makes me feel safe in a way I didn’t know men could.

And yes…
my mother walked me down the aisle.
She cried.
I cried.
Even the DJ cried.
(It was Madonna’s “Like a Virgin…” who doesn’t cry at that?)

So yeah,
I’m proud.

Proud of the pain I survived.
Proud of the boy who didn’t disappear.
Proud of the man I became…
with jokes, scars, and a hell of a lot of glitter.

Pride isn’t just a parade.
It’s not just drag and disco (although… bless those queens).
It’s surviving.
It’s forgiving.
It’s calling your mom after coming out…
and knowing she’ll answer.

It’s saying,
“This is who I am,”
and not flinching anymore.

I used to kneel in church,
begging God to fix me.

Now I stand up tall,
husband by my side,
knowing there was never anything broken to begin with.

And bro…
no slammed door,
no whispered slur,
no prayer for “normal,”
will ever make me doubt my pride again.

Pride!: Randy’s Story

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From as far back as I can remember, self-confidence, and feeling a general sense of pride, has been a challenge for me. As a skinny kid growing up in East Vancouver, I was vaguely insecure and slow to make friends. By the time I became a teenager and became aware that I was gay, the sense of feeling different or “other” did nothing to improve my self-image. 

When the mid-’80s hit, and I was at an age where coming out as gay was even a remote possibility, the AIDS crisis was full-blown. This increased the homophobia in the world, and in the home I shared with my family– not to mention my insecurities and fears. I didn’t come out as a gay man until my late 20s, and I did not do so with a sense of celebration or liberty, but with fear and uncertainty. Feeling a sense of pride about myself as a gay man was still a long way off.

In the new millennium, I did some hard work with a fantastic gay psychologist who helped me significantly in unpacking and understanding my fears and feelings. This increased my need to connect with other gay men, so I decided to be brave and open myself up to as many coffee and/or dog-walking dates with eligible men as I could fit into my schedule. The bar scene wasn’t my thing, so this seemed like a good way to go, as I am fairly confident in a one-on-one setting. My thinking was that every date could be a) a friend, b) a romantic connection, or c) a fascinating and eye-opening experience. I used a pre-smartphone online dating service called Lava Life, and I let everyone in my life know that I was open to being set up for blind dates as well, even if the only reason that they might think that me and the other person would be a match was that we were the only two gay men they knew. It was a busy year, which ultimately felt like a series of job interviews. But by the end of year one of my power-dating marathon, I was lucky enough to have met Drew, the man who would become my husband.  

At the time, he was living life as a hippie on Pender Island. We connected online, by phone, and eventually in person. A few months later, he moved to the Lower Mainland, and we saw each other regularly. He was handsome, kind, funny, smart, and a good kisser. So, why was I dragging my feet? I told him directly one night that I had no idea why I wasn’t in love with him. After some mutual tears, a week’s time, a huge bouquet of flowers, and a lot of personal introspection, I realized that I was sure that he, like most gay men, would deceive me, hurt me, and disrespect me in some way. This came from a few past experiences, but mostly some homophobia that had built up in me over the years, via my parents, and possibly TV & film. It shouldn’t take the approval of friends to convince me to give him a fair chance, but the unanimous approval of him from my social circle was highly influential. From that point on, I jumped in with both feet, and not a day has gone by when I wasn’t sure that I made a great choice. Choosing to be with this wonderful man is the best decision I have ever made.

Drew and I were very much in love and wanted the same things out of life and out of our relationship. This marked the first time I felt a sense of pride as a gay man. A big part of that was my joy at having found someone whom I loved and wanted to be with, and who loved and wanted to be with me, too. I felt proud to let the world know who my wonderful partner was, and that we were together.
A few years later, we were married and were lucky enough to welcome a newborn baby boy to our family. We were very visible wherever we went, and this felt amazing to me. As a family, we were as out and proud as we could be – we were part of several documentaries about gay dads, and also a real estate reality show on HGTV. We spent the next 15 years or so living a fairly heteronormative life, and tended to surround ourselves with couples with children. We therefore had very little contact with the gay community.

About five years ago, when our now-teenaged son wanted very little to do with his dads, and we were called upon to do much less parenting, we decided to address the fact that we had almost no gay friends. I didn’t fully understand it at the time, but I was really craving having people around me who I could relate to on many more levels than I do with my straight friends. It was both exciting and scary, but I felt very motivated to find my place in the community. I dove in headfirst, finding connections through social media, and then through the gay softball league, and ultimately, socializing at local gay bars. I found, and still find, that it is difficult to make new friends in Vancouver’s gay community. However, I feel a real sense of gratification being out and about in the village or where queer people congregate, and to be able to greet numerous people whom I now know. It’s a great feeling that I never really imagined I would have access to, and I have to say: I love it. People who know me will tell you that when I am out, I tend to be chatty as hell, love to connect with folks I don’t know, and that I occasionally turn my flirting all the way to eleven.

Feeling a sense of pride as a gay man was a long process, but I finally feel comfortable in my skin. I welcome any and all opportunities to connect in the community, and to tell anyone in the world who I am. I feel no regret about not doing this sooner, as my journey is my journey, and I believe things are meant to happen when and how they happen. I wouldn’t change a thing.

During the last few years, I have prioritized challenging myself to do things that are not in my wheelhouse and that I could not have imagined doing just a few short years ago. Some of these include telling you my story right now; go-go dancing at parties while wearing very little clothing; singing karaoke at Pumpjack; and being a back-up dancer for my softball team’s drag queen at the annual WESA pageant.

Part of the pride that I feel comes from being a tiny part of a long history of brave people who have risked their lives and livelihoods to fight, and yell, and scream for the rights that I have and benefit from on a daily basis. I did nothing to earn the right to marry my husband, to start a family with him, and to live in a city where we can comfortably hold hands in public — except, come of age at the right time.  I take none of this for granted.

Pride was a long time coming, but it feels fantastic. Being with my husband built me up and continues to do so to this day, after almost 23 years together. How I feel about myself, my general sense of happiness, and how much joy I am able to experience, have increased decade over decade. 

As an older-than-middle-aged man, I will passionately resist becoming a crabby old person whose worldview becomes more and more narrow with time. I will continue to be open to new connections and experiences, and travel, and do it all with Drew by my side.

I can’t wait to find out what happens in the next ten years.

Pride!: M.’s Story

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The first time I came out, I lied.
I told a story that never happened.
But in that moment, it was the only way I could tell the truth.
I was 15. In a Catholic Sisters school. Closeted.
And carrying enough shame to light every candle at Sunday Mass.
So I made up a story.
A boy. A waterpark. Two accidental boners in the changing room.
I told my best friend at the time that I saw a naked senior guy at the waterpark, and we both got instant boners.
Was it believable? I mean… no.
Was it weirdly specific?… Maybe.
But it was the only version of gayness I thought she might accept — 
if it came packaged like a confession instead of a fact.
I wanted her to be curious. Supportive.
To say something like, “Oh my god, really? Tell me more.”
Instead, she blinked. Changed the subject. And that was it.
The closet door slammed shut again.

Second try. 
New story. New lie. New setting. New hope. Same best friend.
This time: a man in the library. We exchanged numbers. We texted. A whole made-up story, with some text messages to prove it.
(There was no library. It was a guy I met online.)
And she —bless her homophobia— told me to block him.
That it was the only way for “the thoughts” to go away.

Ma’am… they did not go away.
My coming out attempts were failing. But still, there was this urge.
An instinctive need to share what I was feeling.
Not because I needed to announce it —
but because I needed someone else to say, “It’s okay.”
Keeping it a secret made it feel wrong.
Made it feel shameful.

SHAME.

I gave up on telling her. We drifted.
Best friends turned into strangers.

*****

Then came camp.
No, not like that, I mean actual summer camp.
Religious, of course. Orthodox church this time, for range…

I met a girl. We hit it off instantly.
The camp ended. We exchanged numbers.
And a week later, I texted her. Told her the truth.
This time, no fake boys. No boners.
Why her? I think I just had a gut feeling.
I’d been attending church camps since I was a kid — and for the first time, I’d made a friend who wasn’t there for the Jesus of it all. 
She was there for the fun. And somehow, that gave me reassurance. 
That maybe —just maybe— she wouldn’t think I was going to burn in hell.

Part of me felt: If this goes badly, the stakes aren’t high. I haven’t known her long.
“Hey. I need to tell you something… I’m gay.” I said
She replied: “I hope you’re not joking. I don’t tolerate jokes like that — I have gay friends.”
I found out later… I was her first gay friend.
She just wanted to make it clear she was safe, before she even had the words to say it. She’s now my lifelong best friend.
And that’s when I learned: Some people just get it.
Even if they’re still figuring out how to say it.

*****

But from there, I wasn’t coming out as much as I was living out.

It became less about declarations and more about decisions.
Who deserves to know me? Who deserves access?
In the Middle East, coming out isn’t an event — it’s a strategy.
You don’t burst out of the closet. You leave little doors ajar.
You observe. You feel it out. You find your people.
I met so many who got it.
Supportive friends. Chosen family.
People who held space for me.
But I also had to let go of some people I thought I’d keep forever.
People who said they were okay with it — but their eyes changed.
They saw me differently.
As unserious. As broken. As someone struggling.
Even when I was not really struggling.
And honestly? That can be worse than rejection.
That quiet shift, from friend to case study.

SHAME!

It wasn’t dramatic. It wasn’t even angry. But it was necessary.
Their silence told me everything I needed to know.

At that point in life, I didn’t feel the need to come out anymore.
I had my people. My little queer bubble. My peace.
But there was always that question.
“Do your parents know?” “What about your brothers?”
“Have you come out to your family yet?”
There was no roadmap.
And I had distanced myself from my family. Partly because of geography…
and partly because of me.
Because of the life I was building, and the parts I wasn’t ready to explain.
I had seen how queerness was met in my family: reactions that made me afraid of what it could do to the dynamic we had; how it might change things, forever…

But there was my cousin. My closest cousin.
The one who told me everything: hookups, dating drama, men with questionable tattoos in questionable places.
She clearly trusted me, so it finally felt like the right time to trust her back.
When she asked about my love life, I told her. It didn’t make sense to lie anymore.
“Hey, you know I date men, right? I’m gay”
She blinked. Paused.

I could see her flipping through some imaginary “How to Talk to Your Gay Cousin” guide — one she hadn’t finished reading.
And even though it wasn’t long ago, the memory’s quite blurry now.
But I remember the awkwardness. She asked if something triggered it. If something happened to me when I was younger. As if there had to be a reason.
And she ended with: “I won’t bring it up again… unless you want to.”
That was the cherry on top of the shame sundae.

SHAME.

We haven’t spoken  since. Life drifted us apart.
But if I’m being honest… I chose to let it.

*****

In my last visit to Lebanon, I met my Catholic school friend again.
The one I lied to — just to say something true.
We ran into each other years later and were catching up.
And somewhere in the conversation, she figured it out.
She put two and two together and looked at me and said:
“I’m really sorry for how I reacted when we were younger.
I didn’t know how to process what you were telling me.”
And, for the first time, I didn’t flinch.
I understood. I had made peace with it, with her, with the past, with myself.
And I realized… That was maybe what I needed all along.
Not an apology. Not validation. I just needed to be seen.
To have someone look at me — not as who I was when I first tried to tell the truth, but as who I’ve become since.

*****

Living in a society that doesn’t tolerate your queerness isn’t just hard —
it’s disorienting.
It rewires how you see yourself. How you remember yourself.
How you imagine others will see you.
The way we’re raised makes it almost impossible to believe that “love is love,”
when every message you’ve ever received screams:

SHAME. SHAME. SHAME!

But somehow, despite all of that, we find each other. We find ourselves.
And once we do, we begin to learn — that Pride isn’t just a destination we reach.
It’s a practice we return to.

A conversation we carry. A story we tell. A quiet, rebellious act, not just for ourselves, but for those still searching for their reflection.
So maybe my story doesn’t end with one perfect coming out… but with a dozen imperfect ones. Some with lies. Some with silence. Some with pain.
But also, some with laughter. Some with apology. And some with peace.

And even now —living in Canada, a place I chose because I could finally breathe; because I could finally say “I’m gay” out loud without looking over my shoulder— even here, with all the safety and freedom I’ve found…
I still think about those who don’t have this.
Those who wake up every day to a cup of shame served by their families, their governments, their gods, their “friends.”
Those who have never had the chance to live their truth and are still told that love is wrong.
We still live in a world where Pride is a privilege.
And I don’t take that lightly.

So if I have it now —if I get to walk through life with my shoulders a little higher, my voice a little louder— I want to honour every version of me that never thought this would be possible.
Because, the pride I feel now?
That is one of the greatest blessings of my life.

And I’ll never stop being grateful for it.

Pride!: Jodi’s Story

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I began cross-dressing in my early 20’s. It was always in secret, and always followed by shame. When I was done, I would throw the clothes away and vow to never do it again; a vow that would last only weeks or months, before I gave in and bought another skirt or dress. I did this for two decades, as I continued to fight with myself over my true identity.

When I moved to Edmonton in 2013, I went to a safe consignment store I knew about from when I had lived in the city years earlier. I bought a cute leather skirt and a black, sleeveless knit top with a zipper in the front. All I needed was black stockings and some lacy black panties to have a complete outfit. See, I don’t have a fetish for lingerie, but it never felt right dressing with my stupid boy underwear on.  

I drove to a lingerie and toy store nearby, in a strip mall in the West End. By the time I got there that Saturday evening, the parking lot was almost empty. I wasn’t sure how I would be received in the store, and I was really nervous, so I parked as far away as I could. This made no sense: I would probably look more suspicious parking that far in an empty parking lot. And besides, I couldn’t see if any other customers were in the store from that distance. Instead, I walked over to the Arby’s next door, got some food, and sat by the window so I could watch the lingerie store. After watching for 45 minutes with no one going in or out, I figured it was a pretty safe bet that the store was empty. I had also finished my food by then, and didn’t want to look any more suspicious than a middle-aged man staring at a lingerie store for almost an hour would look. 

I gathered my courage and went in, quickly heading to the far corner where no one could see me. So much for courage.
I started looking at the display racks, too afraid to even touch anything. I guess I was hoping to find that magical rack that had just what I wanted, in my size, right in front where I didn’t have to look for it. Needless to say, this didn’t happen.  On my second pass through the racks, a clerk came over. She was short, very muscular, covered in tattoos, with bright red hair. She looked tough and mean, and intimidated me right away. She was between me and the front door so I couldn’t run for it… and I was kind of frozen in place, anyway. 
When she asked if she could help me find something, I said I was looking for a present — for my girlfriend. There, that takes care of that… I bet she gets this all the time.  “Ok, what size is she?,” she said. Damn, she flanked me.  What could I say?: “She is about the same size as me.” Ha, I certainly am a quick thinker!  She looked at me and said, “it’s for you, isn’t it?”  That’s the one thing I hadn’t planned for. I had no answer. Who is the quick thinker now? In defeat, I looked down and said: “yes.” 
I braced myself; will she punch me? Will she laugh and call over the other clerk? Maybe she’ll release the CCTV recording to the news. I won’t be able to show my face anywhere in Edmonton anymore. Oh no, I hope CBC doesn’t pick up the story, I might have to move out of Canada! How could I have let this happen? I’ve ruined the rest of my life for a pair of panties. Maybe I can get plastic surgery — yeah that’s it, no one will recognize me then. Hopefully they won’t fingerprint me. 
It’s amazing how much can go through your mind in a few seconds.

The one thing I didn’t count on happened, though: another customer walked into the store. Great, now there is a live witness to my humiliation. But to my surprise, this angel of a biker bitch redhead took my hand and led me to a dressing room to hide.  She told me she would bring me some things to try on.  I ended up staying in the store for hours, having a great time. When I left, she gave me her number.  She said if anyone laughed at me to call her.  She and her friends would take care of anybody. I believed her, too.
Her name was Ali and it didn’t take long for us to become friends.  She said she liked how brave I was for walking into the store.  I thought, “yeah brave, that’s it.”
Ali and her girlfriends immediately welcomed me into their group. They would go dress-shopping every Sunday, usually to a cool pinup shop on Whyte Ave. Afterwards they’d go to lunch. I would try on dresses with them, giving and getting fashion advice.  They were all tough-ass biker bitches so no one messed with us.  It must have been quite the sight for the other customers. 
My favourite dress was a sparkly silver, form-fitting dress.  I spent time in the back of the lingerie store, learning to walk in Pleasers.  I got a pair of black Mary Jane Pleasers that looked great with the dress.  The only place I wore this outfit was at home, but I loved it.  

And when it was time for the Pride Parade in Edmonton, Ali asked me if we were going.  Ok, that wasn’t really her style; she asked what I was going to wear when we went.  I didn’t know, I had never been to any Pride Parade, so she told me I would wear my silver dress and Mary Janes.  I was so nervous, I had never worn a dress in public. 
Ali’s fiancé said he would wear a dress in solidarity (and he did!)  That felt safe.  I would have this tough biker, Ali, with me, and a dress-wearing welder who was 6’3” and had arms as big as my thigh! 

The day came, and we hopped in Ali’s SUV.  Ok, she hopped in, and I awkwardly crawled in with Pleasers and a dress, managing to flash everyone as I did. 
On the way, Ali stopped at the coffee shop where her son worked.  I said “just bring my coffee out to me,” and she said “absolutely not. We are going there so he can see you in your dress.”  A small coffee shop in an Alberta suburb was the first place I ever went in public in a dress.  Suddenly, my nerves going into that lingerie shop for the first time seemed like nothing.  They almost had to hold me up to get me into the coffee shop.  I blamed it on the heels.  Once inside, her son laughed, but in a good way, and the other baristas gave us compliments.  It actually felt pretty good and boosted my confidence.

When we got to Edmonton and the parade, it was so crowded. I didn’t feel like I stood out anymore.  How could I stand out among the drag queens, people wearing next to nothing, and all the colours?!  We pushed right up to the front of the crowd so I could enjoy my first pride parade.  Ali’s fiancé and I had our picture taken with a drag queen.  The only downside of the whole day was learning that pleasers really aren’t meant to be worn for walking and standing all day.  I ended up walking barefoot on the hot pavement, it hurt less than the heels. 
But still, I basked in that feeling for weeks. For the first time ever, I felt no shame for being who I was. I realized I am not alone, and that the entire world is not against me.
I never threw my clothes out again.  My clothes, and especially my shoes, have become more comfortable since then, but that Pride Parade was the start of my acceptance of my true self.

Shortly after that Pride, I got a tattoo of a female eye, looking out of my heart. Just a peek out, but for me, an acknowledgement that she was in there all along, and the process of letting her out had finally begun. She had always been watching, waiting for the day I would let her be seen.

Around the World: M.’s Story

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Okay, so this story takes us back to 2015. I was just 18, still a student at AUB, which is basically the UBC of Beirut, where I’m from. But instead of being half an hour away from downtown, it’s literally in downtown. Picture a university inside Stanley Park.

Back then, I was still closeted — obviously living with my parents — and I used to drive to university every morning. And, like many gay men in the Middle East, I had Grindr. Because let’s be honest, that was the gay community. There were very few queer events or hangouts, just a bar or two… but mainly, a grid of torsos and chaos.

And that’s where I met Julien. French guy, blonde, older. In Beirut for a few days. Very much giving “European tourist with a tote bag and a mysterious backstory.” He told me he was travelling through French-speaking countries writing a book — which, at the time, sounded super fake; but he was still hot, so I didn’t question it.
I tapped him. He tapped me. We chatted. And we decided to meet up for coffee on campus, like respectable homosexuals. I picked him up, gave him a little tour of AUB, and also showed him around the city in my car, which honestly made me feel so cool. Like, I was 18! Driving this charming older French man around Beirut like it was nothing. I was glowing. Walking a little faster. Laughing a little louder. You know the vibe.

That night — the same night we met— he ran into a little problem. His iPhone locked him out. Completely. He kept saying, “I’m sure I’m typing the right code,” but his phone was like, “Nope. Try again in 3 days.” If you know, you know.
So now he’s in Lebanon, with no Google Maps, no contacts, no apps. Not even Grindr. Dark, dark times.
Buying a new phone? Too expensive. Renting one? Is that even a thing? And that’s when I saw my little gay moment to shine — not to impress, but to be useful. I told him, “I actually have a second phone; you can use it while you’re here. I’ll bring it tomorrow.”

It wasn’t a flex. It was just something I could do… so I did.

Now, everyone I told thought I was absolutely out of my mind.
“He’s going to disappear with your phone.” “It’s a scam.” “He does this in every country.” But honestly? I trusted him. I don’t know why. Maybe I was being naïve. Or maybe I just liked the way he said merci.

We saw each other a couple more times after that. Nothing major (okay, we fooled around a bit). One thing that I remember, that makes me cringe so hard, was this moment when I asked him, very stupidly, if he had downloaded Grindr on the phone. And of course, he had. And I was like, “…oh.”
He explained that Grindr was how he met people when he travelled. At the time, I didn’t really get it. To me, Grindr was still this secret, shameful hookup thing. But now? I mean… most of my friends today? I met them on gay hookup apps.
So… yeah. Julien was ahead of his time; or at least ahead of mine.
Before he left, Julien gave me back the phone and thanked me. Said his trip would’ve been totally different if he hadn’t met me. And that meant something. It made me feel kinda special — like I had made a little mark on someone’s journey.

We kept in touch here and there. He only messaged me in French — partly because his English wasn’t great, and partly because he’d say, “tu dois pratiquer.” Little did I know, my French skills helped me get my PR in Canada 10 years later.
And for a long time, I really thought that was it. A sweet little story. I didn’t expect to see him again.

But then, seven years later, I visited France for the first time. I messaged him, just to say hi. “Hey… I’m coming to Paris.” And he replied immediately: “Let’s meet.”
And just like that, we did. He showed up on a bicycle — of course he did — looking older than I remembered. More silver in his hair. Definitely giving daddy energy. And if you know me, you know that’s very on-brand.

This time, it wasn’t flirty. It was just… really lovely. We spent a few days together, and it honestly felt like picking up a thread from a story I thought had ended. He showed me around Paris like a true local. We vibed, got a little drunk, had the best time. He took me to beautiful theatres, gay bars, this riverside queer spot called Rosa Bonheur — which is basically the Paris version of Birdhouse. If you ever visit, highly recommended.

And on my last day there, we took the train to Versailles to go to a theatre festival — because I’m a theatre gay, obviously. We wandered through the gardens with some strawberries and a bottle of bubbles, because in France, you can literally just crack open a bottle of wine in public, and it’s totally normal. We had this quiet, beautiful day, just the two of us. And I don’t know, there was such a strong connection between us. And if you’re wondering: no, nothing happened. He had a boyfriend, not that this ever stopped anyone. But honestly, nothing needed to. The vibe was there. That was enough.

And of course, the trains back got cancelled. So, we had to navigate this maze of night buses, switching lines, figuring it all out. I would never have made it back alone. So I guess we’re even now: I gave him a phone in Beirut, and he got me home in Paris.
On the way back to Paris — after running around trying to figure out which random village bus was actually going back to the city — we were both exhausted. Sitting there in silence, half-delirious, half-relieved that we even made it onto the right bus.
We both kind of knew this was the last time we’d see each other before I left. 

And somewhere between stops, Julien turned to me and said, “By the way… I mentioned you in my book.”
And I was like, “Wait — what book?” I had totally forgotten that he was even an author.
He smiled and said I was one of the memorable friendships he made along the journey of writing it. Just a small mention, nothing dramatic. But still — it really hit me. Like… damn. I actually meant something to this person.

We still talk sometimes. Send each other voice notes. He still corrects my French grammar like it’s his life mission.

And that’s my story. A little Grindr match in Beirut. A train ride from Versailles. A mention in a French linguistics book. Nothing dramatic. Just one of those rare, quiet connections that stick with you — even when you know you probably won’t cross paths again.

Around the World: Helen’s Story

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There’s something you need to know about me before I tell this story: when I’m not writing travel tales for Vancouver Queer Stories, I moonlight as an Anglican priest. No, seriously, I’m ordained, and it’s taken me to some incredible places. I want to assure you that I’m not here to preach a sermon: I’m here to tell you about the time I travelled to the Northern Philippines, and, on the first day, promptly and irreparably broke the toilet. 

I awoke on that fateful day to the sound of rush-hour traffic. I had slept well after a 12-hr bus ride, which involved 40 degree heat, views of the renowned rice terraces (a UNESCO World Heritage Site), and roads which were under construction following a recent earthquake. As I was getting ready for the day, I finished showering, did my business, and prepared to flush the toilet, manually.
I had done my research, you see. I was well aware of the adjustments we’d have to make while in the Philippines. I knew how to deal with foreign plumbing—bucket style. I filled up a nearby trash can with water from the sink. I tossed it with great force into the toilet like I’d been shown—on YouTube.
When I was unsuccessful, I rolled up my sleeves and thought to myself, “I know how to fix this.”

I took hold of the porcelain lid and removed it from the tank. I felt the thin layer of condensation that had settled on its surface. It felt slippery between my fingers, like, well, like you would expect a porcelain toilet lid to feel.
As my palms reached for the edges, my fingers spread easily over the lip, and just when I thought I had hold of it, like an angel dressed in white taking flight, or a white-robed resurrected Jesus bursting forth from the tomb, the toilet lid shot into the air—set free from my grip. It landed on the floor—smashed into a thousand pieces. I followed suit shortly thereafter.

So, I did what any self-respecting person would do in a situation like this. I picked up the pieces, one by one, and hid them in my suitcase, in a bag that I would later dispose of when no one was looking. But, there was still a terrible mess and after labouring on the bathroom floor for hours (let’s be real, it was five minutes), I admitted defeat and made my way down to the lobby to plead my case with the hotel manager.

As I left my room, though, there was my colleague: the Executive Archdeacon, the Venerable Father Arnold Graystone. He was seated on the balcony, hands clasped, eyes closed, deep in prayer. I tip-toed my way towards the stairs.

“Good morning, Mother,” he said.
“Good morning, Father,” I chimed.
“Everything alright with the room?”
The story came tumbling forth, my words as hurried and fragmented as my attempts to clean up the porcelain pieces from the bathroom floor.
“Well, you’d better go down and have a word with the manager, haven’t you?” he said.
(Yes, I’d better go down and have a word with the manager, haven’t I?)

I made my way to the main floor and greeted the manager.
“I have some very bad news,” I said.
I pulled up a photo on my phone. She nodded and gestured to one of her sons. I began to apologize profusely. I insisted on paying for the damage. I asked if I could take a mop and clean it up myself. She smiled and pointed to a stack of porcelain lids in the back room.

“We have extras,” she said, “because of tourists, like you.”
I thanked the manager, and turned to make my way upstairs.
“One more thing,” she said.
“Next time, ma’am, just press the button. The toilets are automatic.”

Around the World: Nizar’s Story

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I grew up in a small town on the Mediterranean coast of Tunisia, a place where being different often meant being targeted. For those unfamiliar, Tunisia is a North African country with a rich and complex history. From the Phoenicians, Carthaginians, Romans, Vandals, Byzantines, Arabs, Berbers, Ottomans, to the French, many civilizations have left their mark. It’s a beautiful country with stunning landscapes and, if I may say so myself, a lot of beautiful men.

But despite its beauty, Tunisia’s laws are not as progressive. According to Article 230 of the penal code, same-sex relations are criminalized, with penalties of up to three years’ imprisonment. So, while the country is breathtaking, it’s not exactly a safe space for someone like me.

From as early as kindergarten, I knew I was different. My feminine manners and femme-presenting nature made me a target for relentless bullying. Before I even knew I was gay, people had already decided it for me. They called me “fag” and other slurs, and I couldn’t understand why. I felt trapped in a cycle of fear, confusion, and self-loathing.

Looking back now, I realize that people often fear what they don’t understand. In a place where traditional gender roles were set in stone, my existence challenged their norm. I didn’t know it then, but I was stronger than I thought simply for surviving that.

Every day, I’d walk down the street and brace myself for the insults, the rocks thrown my way, and sometimes even the beatings. I’d come home from school, bury my face in my pillow, and scream until I was exhausted. I couldn’t tell anyone, not my mom, not my dad, because I was terrified of judgment and ashamed of who I was. I contemplated ending my life more than once, but something within me, some spark, kept me going. Maybe it was hope or just pure stubbornness, but I wasn’t ready to give up.

As I approached my final year of high school, I knew I couldn’t stay in Tunisia any longer. I needed to escape. My parents couldn’t afford to send me abroad for school, but I was determined to find a way out. Here’s the funny thing about desperation: it makes you creative. I started browsing a website called GayCupid, it doesn’t exist anymore, but at the time, it felt like a lifeline. I reached out to countless men from around the world, Italy, France, Canada, the US, the UK, hoping one of them could help me leave. I convinced myself I was in love with one of them, a man named “Tom”. For two years, I stayed in touch with him, keeping that hope alive. Eventually, he helped me get a visa to Canada as an international student.

Moving to Canada was a huge relief, but living with “Tom” during those first two years was challenging. Even though I had set the boundary that we would just be friends, I often found myself doing things I wasn’t comfortable with to maintain stability. Eventually, I decided that I wanted better for myself. Leaving his place felt like reclaiming my own agency after years of feeling like I had to compromise to survive.

Not long after I moved out, I found myself on the phone with my mom. I wasn’t planning to come out to her that day, it just happened. The emotions overwhelmed me, and before I knew it, I was telling her everything I had kept bottled up since kindergarten; the bullying, the fear, the pain. I couldn’t stop the words from pouring out. It was raw, emotional, and something I didn’t know I needed. At first, she struggled to accept it, but I realized that I needed to accept her too, her background, her limited exposure to different perspectives. My dad’s reaction was different. He simply said, “I don’t care, be whatever you want.” Part of me wanted him to care more, to cry with me, but in time, I understood that his indifferent acceptance was a form of love.

One thing I’ve learned is that acceptance is a two-way street. I was asking my family to accept me, but I had to accept them too. When I let go of the need for my mom to fully understand and embraced her own struggle with my identity, a weight lifted off my shoulders. It wasn’t about them; it was about me, about learning to love myself despite the years of hatred and misunderstanding I had faced.

Living in North America has its own challenges, but it’s nothing compared to fighting for survival back home. Sometimes I feel like I’m going to be one of those people who say, “Back in my day…” but really, the contrast is stark. Back in Tunisia, just being myself was like trying to get a massage while stuck in a war zone. But here I am now, free, resilient, and finally at peace with who I am.

If there’s one thing I want you to take away from my story, it’s this: Sometimes, the journey to self-acceptance means accepting others, too. It’s about finding your own freedom without demanding that everyone understands it. The weight lifts when you let go of the need for validation and choose to live for yourself.